Going to my first local play group with Lorelei, I was nervous but braver than I would have expected. I was even a bit excited, as I always am at the thought of showing off my daughter to anyone new. So I stepped out into glorious sunshine and walked past the spring flowers blooming in gardens I passed by, feeling just as fresh and new.
While being a mother is still strange at times, when I go out into the world I feel more confident with every step. When I was pregnant, everyone from family to the next door neighbours got a misty look in their eyes and told us how our lives would change. But the little tasks of life are becoming comfortable with my tiny travelling companion. With her, I’m beginning to feel as safe as she does in my arms. Walking her in her buggy is like wielding my lightsaber while we’re out on our everyday adventures. No need to feel uneasy or without a purpose in the world, she gives me self-definition and confidence where I lacked them before. No more floating in spaces like a half-arsed apology. I will say it again; I’m the one who’s changed.
The day didn’t go quite as I expected. It’s still easy to feel isolated, even as a mum of the only newborn in a room full of parents with toddlers. But I got Lori ready in time, went out there and socialised as much as I felt I could, when I wasn’t stuck in the corner on a breastfeeding loop.
The younglings there were all so adorable, and I bubbled up with laughter at their play, imagining my baby at that age. I want to go back and see them again. So, next time I’ll try again and hope for better. For now, I can be proud that I went out mentally prepared for the unknown, and faced this trial with dignity. I’m definitely earning my Jedi robes.