Since Dominic’s paternity leave ended and I’ve been home alone with Lorelei, I’ve had varying levels of luck getting used to the new routine (or lack thereof).
My days were once devoted to my writing, but now they’re sporadic, lethargic, time-stretched and more beautiful than I could imagine. I wasn’t prepared for how much life was going to change in the small ways, like finding an hour to write a few words for myself. This has been the bigger struggle, far more than acclimatising to having a little person dependent on me for her every need.
But the thing is, she is helping me through the days more than she could possibly imagine. As I discover her quirks and personality, she seems so full of unconditional love. I wonder if she understands it, whether she knows what a comfort it is when she makes her small contented sounds and nuzzles into my chest, or strokes my belly gently when she feeds. It is as though she’s in tune with all the anguished waiting we both went through to be together, knowing we each need comfort in our unfamiliar, sometimes uneasy day to day.
Having my daughter to brighten up a sad or anxious moment makes me feel even more pained for Anakin, who said his unborn baby was a blessing in Revenge of the Sith. He didn’t get the chance to have worry melt away with one touch of the hand, the way all their tiny fingers squeeze tight to your one.
This time is a learning curve for me, and it’s hard not to think that life will never feel normal or comfortable again. As a new mother, I’m a stranger in my skin as Anakin was in his Jedi robes. But just when I need it most, she’ll reach for me and my soul and the world around me feels complete. If only Ani could have known that for himself. But then we might never have had our Vader. Eh. Swings and roundabouts, I guess.
Categories: Mummy missives