It’s a difficult thing, trying to be the best parent possible whilst also beating back the gathering thunderclouds of tiredness and migraine.
Last night felt by far the longest in the three weeks since Lorelei was born. Though the hours were much the same as they’d been every other night before it, the near constant cycle of feed-change-feed kept Elisabeth and I in a state of half wakefulness. Not quite restful, but certainly not asleep. And so by the morning, both of us felt as though we’d been up all night, because we pretty much had.
Elisabeth, I know, had the far harder job of having to feed our baby. At this point in time, at least, Lorelei is still only breast fed. Though we may elect to express and use a bottle later. Until then, though, I feel useless as I lay beside her, somewhere between sleep and waking.
By the morning, and the start of work, I felt as though I had already done a full nine-hour day. Being as my job involves staring at three computer screens for hours on end, it’s not ideal when overtired. The day of her birth notwithstanding, this is the most exhausated I’ve felt since we brought her home.
Being able to see to baby’s needs whilst also functioning like a normal human being and going about your usual scheduled – work, cleaning, shopping – is an art unto itself. A Jedi ability of the most advanced calibre.
Perhaps a more apt metaphor would be to think of this as my parenting Padawan stage. I’m still so green at this, and each new day is another learning curve. Sometimes, though, I wish I had a master to learn from. At least there’s my parents, and that counts for a lot.